6. What do your parents/children (delete as applicable) think of your job?
My parents have learned to deal with it, in the way you learn to cope with an illness. I haven’t fully explained what I do to my daughter yet. Why would I want to ruin her innocence?
7. What’s the worst thing about being a comedian?
The fun.
8. I think you are very good at what you do (that’s why I’m asking these questions). What do you think of you?
That came out of the blue! This changes everything. Now that I know you think I’m very good at what I do, my opinion of my own abilities has spiked. Obviously, any minute now I’ll be analysing your choice of words and trying to figure out how you’re defining “what I do” and whether this question is actually a thinly-veiled attack. Am I too needy?
9. How much do you earn and how much would you like to earn?
Alright mate, you softened me up a bit with that last compliment but, no. No, I will not tell you how much I earn. I do trust you, but imagine if someone else reads this. It’s private.
10. How important is luck in terms of career success – have you had lucky breaks?
Do I come across as someone who’s had lucky breaks? People say you make your own luck. I think that’s probably true. Maybe I’ve just got an under-performing fortuitary gland.
11. Alan Davies has said that comedians fall into two categories - golfers and self-harmers. The former just get on with life, the latter are tortured artists. Which are you – or do you think you fit into a third category?
Tortured artist all the way, left, right and centre. God, I would love to be a golfer.
12. Who is your favourite person ever and why – not including family or friends or other comedians?
Seve Ballesteros. Because: golf. And look at his little face.
13. Do you keep your drawers tidy and if not why not? (please think long and hard about this question, it's to settle an argument with my girlfriend. The future of our relationship could depend on your response).
Leave me out of this. I don’t want any part of your grubby domestic squabbles. I have enough arguments with my own partner about why I’m constantly folding all my socks into tiny decorative swans. Don’t let it ruin your relationship too. Night night.
Caroline Mabey: Quetzals is at Just The Tonic at The Caves from August 3 - 27. Tickets here.
