A few years ago I was flattered to be asked to write a piece about the London comedy scene for the Deserter website, which celebrates skiving off. You can read it here. The creators of the website Andrew Grumbridge and Vincent Raison have not been idle since then, sitting back and watching other people do all the hard graft. No sir. They have written two books. The second one, Shirk, Rest and Play, has just been published and you can read an exclusive extract on how not to get a job in the first place below.

The book offers endless tips on how to relax and enjoy yourself and take control of your destiny. Turn your back on obligation and conformity. And if you do have to work in an office for a living then at least hide in the toilets for a bit. It's essential reading for wannabe drop-outs, dreamers, drifters and gadabouts. Grumbridge and Raison have mastered the art of getting more out of life by doing less. And if you buy this book and follow their advice you can too. 

Buy Shirk, Rest and Play: The Ultimate Slacker's Bible here.

How To Fail A Job Interview

It’s human nature to want people to like us – it makes us feel valued and gives us a shot of lovely dopamine – but we must unlearn our instincts when it comes to avoiding employment. Upon entering the interview room, we suggest an opening gambit of one or all of the following: 

• Sitting in the interviewer’s chair 

• Removing your shoes 

• Lighting a cigarette 

Rarely, if ever, make eye contact with your interviewer, it only encourages them. Mumbling is advised, as is sighing heavily and looking at your watch (try tapping it, too – particularly effective if you’re not actually wearing one). Slumping in your chair is good, but be careful with this ploy as a slump can sometimes be taken as a sign of relaxed  confidence, which is dangerously attractive to employers. Our job-avoidance guru, Half-life, combines a deep slump with mournful looks towards the door and a truly startling twitch. He hasn’t had a job in twenty-five years

If you’re offered tea or coffee, always accept both and say something like, ‘Fuck, yeah! Any biscuits? Had to skip breakfast. I’ll level with you, I’m not used to being up before noon.’ 

After that, due to interviewers’ lack of imagination, there then follows a more or less set pattern of questions. Half-life has heard them all over the years. We record  some of his responses here, for the benefit of the species.

Interviewer: Perhaps you could start by telling me a little bit about yourself. 

Half-life: Sure. After prison I took a few years off to get my head together and get used to some new medication. My interests include gambling, sport, TV and, in particular, gambling on sport on TV. 

Interviewer: Thank you. So, I’m just going to run  through a few questions…

Half-life: Shoot. 

Interviewer: Would you describe yourself as a team  player? 

Half-life: No. 

Interviewer: Well, let me put it another way, are you comfortable working in an environment of collegiate decision-making? 

Half-life: No. 

Interviewer: I see. What are your three favourite words? 

Half-life: Taciturn and aloof. 

Interviewer: And the third? 

Half-life: That is three. 

Interviewer: So it is. And can you describe yourself in three words? 

Half-life: I only need two – lone wolf. 

Interviewer: Right. What would you say is your biggest weakness? 

Half-life: Probably my straight talking. 

Interviewer: I’m not sure that necessarily counts as a weakness. 

Half-life: I couldn’t give a toss what you think. 

Interviewer: Can you give me an example of how you plan ahead? 

Half-life: Yes, I’m going on a massive bender this  weekend so can we get the medical out of the way this afternoon? 

Interviewer: Can you give an example of a time you encountered a problem at work and explain what initiative you took to overcome it? 

Half-life: Sure. I once shat myself in a meeting. The trousers had to go but I stuck a couple of leg-holes in a bin liner and still made it to Wendy’s leaving do, where we got absolutely munted. 

Interviewer: Could you describe your ideal role? 

Half-life: Something stimulating, meaningful and  rewarding. But until then, I’m OK to work in this shithole. 

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years? 

Half-life: No longer carrying a police caution. 

Interviewer: What experience do you have that is relevant to this position? 

Half-life: How would I know? I haven’t started yet.

Interviewer: Finally, is there anything you’d like to ask  me? 

Half-life: Yeah. What’s the best thing for genital herpes? 

Interviewer: I meant about the company. Is there anything you’d like to know about the company and its goals? 

Half-life: [From the doorway] Certainly not. 

Repeat all of the above correctly and it’s likely that your interviewer will call the DWP directly and your file will be  permanently marked ‘Unemployable’. Your work is done. 

Illustration of Half-life in the interview room by Emily Medley.