Comedian and co-host of the Off Menu podcast Ed Gamble is the latest guest of Kathy Burke in the podcast Where There’s A Will, There’s A Wake.

Ed tells Kathy how he would ultimately like to die from gluttony, to which Kathy recalls that Ed “used to be a fatty”. Elsewhere, Ed tells Kathy how he wants a surprise cremation and a memorial fountain which stinks of egg…

Highlights from the episode are below.

Where There’s A Will, There’s A Wake is available on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.

How Ed wants to die – Gluttony:

Ed: Well, I think realistically, if I ate enough stuffed crust pizza, that would probably kill me. Yeah. So I'd actually quite like to die by my last food. 

Kathy: Oh really? Yeah. Like a sort of heart attack sort of choking up 

Ed: I think. Yeah. Uh... A mixture of sort of heart attack, uh, constipation and diarrhea all at the same time, if that's possible. And just general sort of, cuz that sort of food makes me feel depressed as well. So maybe I just so sad that suddenly I die of food that

Kathy: Die of gluttony. Yeah, no, I was sort of horrible Way to go cuz you'd be all sweaty and, yeah. stuffed.. 

Ed: Well, yeah, I'm sweaty most of the time anyway. 

Kathy: Oh, likewise darling.

Proper Sweaty Betty. Anyway, where were we? So the death, yes. So you wanna die of overeating? 

Ed: Yes, please. 

Kathy: Because you used to be a fatty. Yeah. And I'm a fatty, so I can use that word. And so did you eat a lot then as a kid? 

Ed: Yeah. Yeah, loved it. I would, uh..., yeah, ate a lot as a kid and then really started to eat a lot as a teenager. And then when I went to uni when there was absolutely no one controlling what I had to eat or no one saying, maybe you shouldn't have that third portion. Right. That was me all day eating. I just go from place to place, go on a little, almost like a pub crawl, but with like cafes.

Kathy: Amazing. 

Ed: And get big bags of stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I do miss it. Uh huh. I do miss it. The, the sheer gluttony of it, but yeah, sort of, probably, probably should have stopped.

Kathy: But then, but you are very trimmed now, so, 

Ed: Well, I, I'm one of those awful people who worked out that I quite like exercise, so

He wants his body to be dragged to the funeral by a small horse:

Ed: But I like the idea of having a horse. 

Kathy: A horse?

Ed: Yeah.

Kathy: Of course. 

Ed: But I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be on the carriage, cuz that just feels a bit, you know, done. Right. So you know, in cowboy films where they get attached to the horse. Yeah. By a rope, if they get a arrested or whatever and just get dragged by a horse.

Kathy: Oh yeah. 

Ed: Maybe my body can just be dragged by a horse all the way to the Deconsecrated metal church. 

Kathy: Oh. Yeah, I think we could, we could run to that. 

Ed: Yeah, I'd like, I think that'd be quite a gnarly way to arrive at at a funeral. Yeah. If everyone's waiting and suddenly a horse arrives and I'm just being dragged behind it.

Kathy: Bits of flesh sort of 

Ed: yeah. All over the place. Yeah.

Kathy: Or would you be sort of mummified, do you think? 

Ed: Well, maybe, yeah. Maybe all wrapped up. So. Yeah. 

Kathy: I mean, that's a nicer image somehow, isn't it? Yeah. You know, all wrapped up, but hey, what if your mummified bandages were tattoos? 

Ed: Oh, that's cool. 

Kathy: You know, that it was all tattooed.

Ed: Yeah. 

Kathy: And, and, and your mummified body. I think that'd be really cool. 

Ed: That'd be really cool. 

Kathy: And then your drag, do you want a, the rope around your feet or around your neck? 

Ed: Feet, I think. Yeah, feet feels fair. 

Kathy: Dragged by the neck. Yeah. But yeah. All right. Then a horse sort of What sort of horse? 

Ed: Oh, a tiny one. 

Kathy: A tidy one?

Ed: Ti- tiny one. 

Kathy: Oh, a tiny one. 

Ed: Like a little baby pony or something? Or one of those Little, little shire horses. Yeah. 

Kathy: Oh, how funny. I thought you'd say a huge sort of black stallion because of your heavy metal sort. 

Ed: No, I think people would be expecting that. So I think, oh, that's cute. I'm more repre represented by a tiny little cute horse, I think.

Kathy: Oh, that's darling. Like a little Shetland pony. 

Ed: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just clip clopping along with me, dragging me behind me. 

Kathy: Oh, that's so sweet. And then this horrible sort of mummified. Yeah. Tattooed body.

Ed: Yeah. Horrible pizza, death, body 

Kathy: Probably still leaking at the arts area because how long would it take to sort of get rid of all the, all the stuff that you've stuffed into your face?

Ed: Yeah, that's true. It'd probably still be pouring out. I mean, it's either I arrive with the horse or I guess pizza hut delivery driver. Oh, right, yes. Could bring me in like all of my remains in a box. 

Kathy: In a box. Like one of those flat boxes. Yeah, like a pizza box. Oh, so then we'd have to cut your body into bits and have to flatten you like, um, like a tortilla press on.

Yeah, that'd be good. 

Ed: Yeah. And then held together by one of those little plastic tables in the middle.

He wants his coffin to be made of his own bones, an ode to him being such a big heavy metal fan:

Ed: Well, I thought about the most heavy metal coffin that I could possibly have. Ah. And I thought, what about a coffin made of my own bones? 

Kathy: Okay.

Ed: Do you wanna drill into the logic of this now, Kathy? 

Kathy: Well, actually this is a good idea. So we de-bone you Yes. Before we flatten you. 

Ed: Makes sense, doesn't it?

Ed: Yeah. So I, I wanna be de-boned, like a posh bit of fish.

Kathy: Oh, that's true. I'm just trying to imagine this. So your coffin is actually a skeleton. Well, we should, we shouldn't de-bone you. We should basically de flesh you. Yes. So that what is left is the bones are, are all intact. So you are a skeleton. Yeah. And then all your inners and fleshy bits, have been flattened and put in a pizza box.

Yes. So they're ba basically inside you. Yes. So it's like you are eating again. 

Ed: Yeah. I've eaten myself

Kathy: With the very thing that killed you. 

Ed: Yeah. Circle of life.

He wants to be cremated but for it to be a surprise:

Ed: I think I, I think I'd like to be cremated. Mm. But I want it to be a surprise to everyone there. 

Kathy: Oh, right. 

Ed: So I think I want them to think I'm gonna be buried so, And then suddenly like someone will hire someone like an actor to be smoking and flick a cigarette accidentally onto the coffin and then the whole thing goes up.

Kathy: That could be me. 

Ed: Yeah, you can pop over

He wants a memorial fountain:

Ed: So I think a fountain. 

Kathy: Oh, okay. 

Ed: That people can visit, but I want it to be a surprise.

So it'd be in Cannizaro House in Wimbledon. Yeah. But I want the water to stink. 

Kathy: Oh. 

Ed: So when people arrive to, to bemoan my death and mourn me, the all the water stinks of egg. 

Kathy: Nice. 

Ed: And then, and then it says Egg Gamble on the fountain.

He used to collect salt and pepper pots:

Kathy: Gee whiz. Why don't you get obsessed with stuff you can actually use? Like trainers that you can actually walk in. Yeah. Did you collect stamps as a kid? 

Ed: No. I collected, uh, salt and pepper pots. 

Kathy: That's really cute. 

Ed: I dunno why. I think I decided I needed to have a collection of something. 

Kathy: Well, all that fucking food you were shoving into your fat little body and needed, uh, needed some uh, some flavor to it.

Ed: Yeah. I needed so many salt and pepper pots. Cause I was just seasoning meal after meal. Um, yeah. So I just decided it'd be salt and pepper pots for me. They're all still at my mom's house.

Ed: That'd be nice actually. Yeah. Be a lovely way to be remembered. And I think all the wine, I'll just give to like a children's charity or something.

Kathy: Oh, nice. For the kids to get pissed. 

Ed: Yeah. Why not? Gotta learn about this stuff early. 

Kathy: Well, I should imagine that'd be really expensive wouldn't it though? Why? 

Ed: By the, yeah. I mean it, it wasn't expensive when I bought it, but I think the idea is that it's a bit of an investment as well. 

Kathy: Right. 

Ed: Yeah. I mean, you are as baffled as I am by it, to be honest. I wish I'd not done all this. 

Kathy: So the kids' charity is gonna get all the wine? 

Ed: Yes. And they can do like tastings and stuff. You know.

Kathy: I don't think we should be encouraging this, children drinking alcohol, especially wine cuz it's so expensive and such an acquired taste. You should just give kids meth. 

Ed: Right. Well that okay. That's a good place for all my meth to go. That was second lockdown. I got obsessed with meth.

Picture: Matt Crockett