6. What do your parents/children (delete as applicable) think of your job?
Well, as you know there’s nothing I care more about in this world than 50% of my two children. And my son Mark is a big fan of my new career. He tells me in little, subtle ways: ‘oh god mum, I can’t believe you’re doing this.’ ‘this is so embarrassing, I’m going to emigrate.’ ‘Mum, you have to help me, I’ve been put in prison again.’ It may not sound overly positive but a mother can always tell what the subtext is. My daughter Carol meanwhile works for me for free as a stage manager, tour booker, personal assistant and agent however I don’t actually know what she thinks about my career as – if I’m being honest – I rather zone out when she starts talking.
7. What’s the worst thing about being a comedian?
The hours, dear. Far too short. I need more work to do to keep me occupied. What's the point in staying up till 3am if you're not getting up 4 hours later? Comedy clubs needs to have breakfast shows too to give me something to do!
8. I think you are very good at what you do (that’s why I’m asking these questions). What do you think of you?
As a PM I think I was better than Churchill. The war would not have lasted half as long with me in charge. ‘We shall not just fight them on the beaches, we shall beat them on the beaches, if not before, then we will go and have some tea and cake to celebrate our victory.’ However my career in entertainment is something different entirely. Obviously I’m new to it, and haven’t got a huge amount of experience, still despite that, I genuinely think I might be the biggest thing in popular culture since Cliff Richard. No, maybe even Tommy Steele. I’m that good.
9. How much do you earn and how much would you like to earn?
I'm lucky enough to be independently wealthy due to my husband Denis supporting everything I do. However I am not ashamed to admit that through my now pretty successful career as a global superstar I regularly gross up to £300 a year.
10. How important is luck in terms of career success – have you had lucky breaks?
‘Lucky people’ are merely those who get up very early in the morning and put in the hard work and graft necessary to sabotage the careers of their competitors.
11. Alan Davies has said that comedians fall into two categories - golfers and self-harmers. The former just get on with life, the latter are tortured artists. Which are you – or do you think you fit into a third category?
Third ways are for Tony Blair, dear. I’m most definitely a self-harmer. I’m plagued by doubt. I question what I’m doing all the time. I never know if I’ve made the right decision. Ha! Only joking, obviously I’m great and everyone knows it. I would play golf but I'm too busy excelling!
