A seasonal spin on Keir Starmer’s gifts has been crowned the winner of an annual competition to find the best new Christmas cracker joke.
Other timely quips about Baby Reindeer, Oasis tickets and Gareth Southgate also feature in this list of top holiday humour.
The winning jokes have been announced by the nation’s favourite comedy channel, U&Gold, as part of its annual festive competition (now in its twelfth year) to find the very best Christmas cracker jokes inspired by the events of 2024.
The recently rebranded channel, U&Gold, challenged the British public to post their original festive funnies to X, which were then shortlisted by a panel of judges and put to an anonymous public vote of 2,000 British adults.
U&Gold’s top 10 funniest new Christmas cracker jokes for 2024 are revealed as:
- What gifts will Sir Keir get this Christmas? None, he's had enough!
- Why are pensioners bulk buying Brussels sprouts this Christmas? It's the only way they'll keep the gas flowing this year
- Why is Rachel Reeves in the Nativity this year? She’s collecting inn-heritance tax.
- Why is Santa worried about being stalked? He’s surrounded by baby reindeer.
- Who’s Santas favourite member of Oasis? Noel.
- Why does Father Christmas find going down chimneys easier this year? He’s on Ho Ho hozempic.
- Why aren't there more jokes about receiving Oasis tickets for Christmas? Most people won't get them.
- What do you call a Belgian reselling tickets at inflated prices? - a Brussels tout.
- What’s the Thames Water advent calendar like? It’s full of number 2s.
- Why did Gareth Southgate get into difficulty with the Christmas Club money? He was always late with his subs.
The annual joke competition celebrates U&Gold’s seasonal TV line-up, which includes classic festive episodes of some of the nation’s favourite comedies, ranging from Gavin and Stacey to Absolutely Fabulous and The Vicar of Dibley – alongside much-loved Only Fools and Horses, set to air on Christmas day.
Comedy critic Bruce Dessau, who led the U&Gold judging panel, says, “Another brilliant list of festive funnies from the public – a true testament to British wit! After an eventful 2024, I’m glad to see the nation’s humour bringing a bit of light to some of the year’s headlines! Big congratulations to all the winners, and well done to everyone who entered and put a smile on our faces for a twelfth year.”
Gerald Casey, Director of Programme, Comedy and Entertainment, UKTV says, “Congratulations to our 2024 winners! We’re blown away year after year by the hilarious entries we receive and we love seeing the British public get involved to share the laughs. We hope to spread even more Christmas cheer with our festive U&Gold Christmas programming, including much-loved episodes from the likes of The Royle Family and Only Fools and Horses.”
The author of the winning joke, Carlsen Stanton aged (48) from Birmingham, received the top prize of £1,500 towards a holiday, a festive hamper and a box of bespoke U&Gold Christmas Crackers.
The top six jokes are included within bespoke boxes of U&Gold’s Christmas crackers, which will be presented to this year’s winners.
All the jokes voted on by the British public are original content to the best of U&Gold’s knowledge.
Dedicated to celebrating the best of British comedy, U&GOLD is the nation's favourite comedy channel.
Classic British comedy series loved by all the family sit comfortably alongside new U&Original scripted comedies crafted by some of the nation's finest comedic minds, such as Dad's Army: The Lost Episodes, Blood Actually: A Murder They Hope Mystery, The Cockfields and Sandylands.
Meanwhile U&GOLD's unscripted series reunite the stars and partnerships of the nation's best-loved shows to get to the heart of what makes them so evergreen - from passion projects such as French & Saunders: Funny Women, Billy Connolly Does..., Ricky and Ralf's Very Northern Road Trip and Alison and Larry: Billericay To Barry to the retrospective likes of Blackadder: The Lost Pilot, The Royle Family: Down The Back of the Sofa, dinnerladies diaries, Absolutely Fabulous: Inside Out, The Fast Show: Just A Load of Blooming Catchphrases.
