ROMESH RANGANATHAN QUOTES
ROMESH ON THE WEST END
“Yeah, it's good. I, I, I, sort of- I’ve realised- Like it's been amazing. I, didn't appreciate that it's every night. When you say that to someone, and they go, ‘Yeah, of course it is.’ ‘Tha- That’s what you agreed to do.’ But you don't-You don’t appreciate everyday. People don't appreciate every day until you're doing every day-You know? I don’t think people get it! People need to say, I do think any job, any situation-kids, family, marriage, whatever-people just say, ‘It's every day.’ It's every day, man.”
ROMESH ON MARRIAGE
“I talked about this, in my last tour show, about, the concept of marriage. I want to be crystal clear on this-I'm, massively in love with my wife, and I'm really glad to be married to her. But-But, listen-Love is real and love is great-and it's wonderful. But I did, sort of, question the concept of marriage, as a thing. ‘Cause like, when you first get married to somebody, like, you're, these people-and then even, in a few years, you can be totally different people. So, you just have to- I don't know.”
“Yeah, that's the whole thing is you go on the journey together-and it's a beautiful-journey-through all of the different changes-and challenges.”
“A, A, A- And in many ways it makes it more magical-and there's a depth and a layering, to it- I'm gonna say this down the camera. ‘And love, is wonderful.’”
ROMESH ON WHY THE PERFECT ROMESH SHOW HASN’T HAPPENED YET
“No, it is true…No, I do feel like- I mean, I, I, I sort of think that about everything that you, that I do, is that you're- And stand up is the thing that I'm most passionate about. Like, I love it. It's the reason I, the reason I do anything is because it started from stand up, you know-that's what I wanted to be when I, when I moved into comedy. And so, I'm really, passionate about doing a great show. And whenever I do a tour show, whatever anybody thinks about it, I have worked my a** off to, to make this show, you know, polishing it and getting it to the point. And then what happens is, is the show comes out and the response is great or whatever, you know, I've had great response to shows, but I just feel like I'm gonna have the feeling of going, ‘That is the show.’ ‘That is a show that when I retire or I'm cancelled, like, that will be the- That'll be the show that people go, that's Romesh's show. You know-Yeah, yeah. People will say, ‘Did you watch that one?’ And so if I was to stop now. I haven't done the show-In my opinion, I haven't done the show yet. Do you know what I mean?”
ROMESH ON LEAVING A LASTING IMPRESSION
“Like it's great. Like, you know, you're, you're trying to- I want the audience to, be exhausted from laughing-that's the aim. Because I sort of think about, as a punter, when I used to watch stand ups I love, you know, Richard Pryor is like my favourite of all time-and I used to watch his shows and I'd feel- I'd want him to stop talking because-Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and, and so that's- I always thought I want that to be, what people's experience is when they come to my shows. But then, when you start off doing stand up-You're so desperate to make people laugh, you will say anything. You know-you're just, desperate to make people laugh. You just, like, you know, you'd be waggling your glasses and like- [impersonating comedian] ‘And what did that guy say? What!’ You know, and all that-because you're just so desperate to make laugh.”
“Yeah. Course. But then as you get more experience, you sort of go, well, making people laugh is not, it's not easy-but it's become, it becomes easier. And so, then you go, well, now I'd like it to be, something where I'm standing by the substance-of what I'm talking about, not at the expense of like, I don't want to give- I'm not smart enough to give anybody a lecture, you know, about anything. But, when you watch stand up’s that are really funny, there is some- They're letting you into their world and they're showing you the way they think about things. And it's like, there's something you take away from it. Do you know what I mean?”
“Like, he [David Bowie] is, he's incredible-and I'm just churning out some s***. And then if, if you go, ‘You're like David Bowie,’ and go, ‘Mm,’ I know that the comments would go, ‘What a w*****.’ ‘Did you see the way he accepted that comment about our greatest artists-’ ‘The guy that hosts Weakest Link, is like David Bowie?’ Does he really believe it?...Yeah. You need to evolve…If people are missing David Bowie-You've got him! He’s still here!”
ROMESH ON GETTING INTO COMEDY
“The love language in my house growing up-was just roasting each other. My mum would, like, sometimes wheel me out and go, [impersonating his mum] ‘Do- Do the impression of me, darling. Do it when I'm trying to find the coffee.’ [continuing to impersonate his mum] ‘Do it, do it. No, this is so good. You should watch this, watch this. Do it, darling. Do it, do it.’ So, it'd be like they like kind of get me out to do that. I remember this is really dark story. [laughing] But when- When- [laughing] When my- When my- When my dad passed away. So my brother, um, this is, this starts really dark. Okay? So, my brother found my dad-He had a heart attack in the house and passed away, and my dad found him. And then when I came in, like, my dad, my brother called me, I was at a gig and he goes, ‘Can you, like, uh, dad's collapsed.’ So I came into the house and then immediately started crying and whatever-And then he- Then he- They- We found out, you know, he passed away. The next day, we’re sat around, like, and we'd gone to see my mum and, like, we're all, like, trying to figure out what to do. And my brother, was like, we're really quiet at the table, my brother said to me, ‘Ron,’ I go, ‘Yeah.’ He goes, ‘What was that noise you made yesterday, man?’ And I go, ‘What?’ He goes, ‘When you- When you saw dad,’ he goes, ‘You're not embarrassed?’ He goes, ‘Like, I know you're upset,’ but he's just like, [impersonating Romesh crying], ‘Uhhhhh.’ [laughing] We genuinely started cracking up, ‘cause, it was, it was, it was bad. Like, it's like- It was like that- It was like that meme, you know that- [impersonating crying meme] But I, you, I didn't know that- I, I didn't know that I'd make that noise-You know, like, it's like-in emergency situations, something happens. Like, you don't know how brave you are until-you're in a situation you might have to save-I didn't know-that I made that noise [laughs].”
ROMESH ON LOVING TORRES CRISPS
“Mm. Black truffle. They, are-They, they have changed, the game. Right, the black truffle. But they also do olive oil, right? Do they do fried egg? Have I just made that up? Mm. Of the egg ones. Mm. Whenever I, I do a TV record-it's always on the rider for those; it’s become a problem.”
ROMESH ON HIS BAKERY
“[laughs] I, um-It's not all vegan. They, they do loads of vegan stuff. But, um, I got to know that Sean Coughlan, it’s Coughlan's Bakeries. And I got to know him, because, his wife is a makeup artist. And so, I, I was doing like, uh, 8 Out of 10 Cats, or something and she said to me, ‘Oh, my husband, like, runs a bakery. And he said, like, if you want to try anything.’ And so I started trying these doughnuts, and I was like- And they're vegan. And I was like, ‘Oh, my God, this is incredible.’ And then eventually, um, I got him to do my wife's birthday cake. He did like an Idris Elba birthday cake for Lisa. Face of Idris Elba. Yeah. Yeah. It's really- It's, it’s really nice to do something for your wife that also, undermines you as well. She loved it. It was horrible. It was disgusting to watch. And then I, we kind of built up a relationship. And then, he was looking to, get some investment, or get somebody else involved and we'd become friends and I was going there all the time, so I just thought, well, I think you should invest in something that you actually, really care about and love-And I really love that stuff, so I just thought I'd get involved. So now I'm like a co-owner of Coughlan’s Bakery, so. And, and every now and again I'll go and do a shift at one of, the, branches. Yeah. I just work the tills and just be like, yeah, just a general cele-No [they don't let me make the doughnuts], well, no, they do. No, that's, that's the, I have been into the actual main bakery and like, kind of, dipped the yum yum’s.”
“Yeah. Although I tell you, a weird thing that happened-Is like- So, we sort of preannounced I'm going to be working at whatever, the Oxted branch or whatever. And then like people had turned up for like selfies and stuff like that. And then this woman said, um, I’m just telling you what she said. She said, ‘Do you know that you're the thinking woman's crumpet?’ And I said, ‘No, I didn't know that. And furthermore, I don't think it's true.’ And then she said, ‘I got your present,’ and she gave me a pair of knickers. At the bake- Yeah, I know that’s, exactly. Yeah. No, she pulled them out of her pocket. I just arrived in Oxted. I reckon three minutes before. This was like, Nick, I hate to tell you, man, it was one in the afternoon. When do you think would be a good time to do that? If, if, if. if I'm the thinking was crumpet, give me a Rubik's Cube. But the rest of it was fine. The rest of the visit was fine. What did I do with them [the knickers]? I don't know. I, I, I think I definitely took them home. [laughing] I'm going to be honest with you, I wasn't expecting full out questions about what I did- [laughing] I, I, I panicked. I felt like a politician on, on the BBC on Sunday Morning. It’s like, ‘S***. What did you do with them?’ I think I took them home to like, because I wanted to tell Lis- I wanted to show Lisa what had happened.”
ROMESH ON HIS NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE
“Yeah. Yeah, I-That chil- Have you- Do you guys like that chilli oil [Lao Gan Ma Crispy Chilli Oil]? It's like crunchy. It's got, like, I think soybeans and onions fried in it and stuff like that. It’s wicked. Anyways, somebody, somebody had, somebody said to me that- Or, I'd seen somewhere, this stuff is amazing, on pretty much everything, right? So I'd started getting into it and it started to become a bit of a problem. So I was eating it all the time and then it got to the point where I would happily eat it on its own. So what, so what would, what would happen is I'd get back from, like, it was like one of the early nights of, one of the previews of the play. And I got back, [laughing] and as a little, as a little treat for myself, I'd have a tablespoon of the chilli oil. [laughing] So it's like a little, ‘Well done, Romesh. You did well in the play today. Have some-chilli oil.’ So I opened the jar. Everyone's asleep. And I took the, um, took the tablespoon. I'm eating over, you know, I'm here, like this, like just quickly, shovel it in, because I want to minimise being caught doing this. It's beyond ick. Do you know what I mean? So I shovel it into my mouth. And then as I do that, it just, a little tiny bit of it goes the wrong way. And then I just go, [coughs], and I like, spray every cupboard. Every cupboard is just, completely pebble dashed with chilli oil. And then I start choking, right. I start really choking and I start panicking. And then, honestly, I think, ‘I'm going to, I’m going to die.’ Like- I thought, ‘I'm going to die now.’ And then for some reason, I started doing circuits of the kitchen. I started trying to walk it off. So I started, like, just doing circuits of the kitchen going, [pretends to choke]. And, and as I- And I gen- Honestly, I'm not exagge- I thought, I, ‘I am gonna die today.’ I thought, ‘I'm gonna die today. Alright, this is, I’m gonna die.’ But the thing was, I just thought, ‘What is Lisa gonna walk into?’ The next morning, my body on the floor, the jar with the spoon there. Cupboards, f*****. Like, what- What a horrible way for your husband to die. How did he go? ‘Oh, he was having one of his, late-night, chilli oil tablespoon treats.’”
ROMESH ON QUITTING DRINKING
“I just, um, like- My dad was a bit- My dad ran a pub, he was a massive drinker and he was great, but, like, he was like what I would describe as a charming liability. Do you know what I mean? He was really- He was really fun in a cameo-But being married to him, I can't imagine-Like, my mum had a hell of a time, do you know what I mean? So- But I have got that- I feel like I've got that gene in me. Do you know what I mean? Where, like about everything, you know, I will- We- I am- I'm eating chilli oil. On my own. You know, like, I've got that addictive person- I'm trying to find something to get addicted to. Do you know what I mean? So when it's with drinking, especially with comedy, you are around booze a lot and when you finish a show, everybody's drinking, you know-the audience are drinking-you do a TV record, people are drinking-you know, so it's around a lot. I think being sober gives me just the right level of inhibition. And I don't want to lose that. I, I, I just- I, I've got so many memories of just being a complete, dick.”
“I, I don't know if you- We did an episode of Rob and Romesh versus and we did, Rob and Romesh versus Heavy Metal-And we drank with Queens of the Stone Age, right? And I got, obliterated, on camera, like, completely obliterated. And I, I've just got vague sort of recollections of running around backstage-while, like, Royal Blood were on-and just going, [impersonating himself drunk], ‘Yeah!’ Rob and I, like, snogged on the side of stage-and obviously, like, production found it-Yeah- It was great TV, really funny TV. Yeah, yeah, but I went like- I was- I have a great, [impersonating himself drunk], ‘Yeah! Wey! I’m a f***** legend!’ Then I went to bed. I woke up the next morning. Obviously, I just got the fe- I got the fear. The horror. So, I immediately put on the production WhatsApp. I just said, like, ‘I'm really sorry-if, um, for like my behaviour, if I was out of order last night or whatever, you know, I was sort of really all over the place.’ It was half an hour before anybody responded. That was-That was the worst half hour of my life. I, I, I do think people need to think about-what that effect that's having on people. Is that you need to respond to people when they say that to you-You need to have an a lot- Get in quick-And go, ‘You were fine, or there's a police investigation.’ You just want to know. Either way- You just want to know, either way.”
ROMESH ON VALENTINE’S DAY
“Mm, not really. I mean, uh, I think, I think, when we- In the early days, when you weren't sure if the other one was as-Yeah. So then you go, I should really do something. But then eventually, I think once we had a conversation going, ‘Should we not?’ Yeah, but I remember that I used to- When I was a teenager. I took a girl to Pizza Hut-on Valentine's Day, and it felt, it felt incredible. Yeah, but like, to do that now? I mean, I guess now it would be Pizza Express, but…”
“Oh, do you remember the Pizza Hut- The Pizza Hut salad bar, Oh, my God-When I, first, discovered the concept of a salad bar. Not that I didn't discover it, you know, for myself-I couldn't believe it. And then you finish and then, then go up again if you want…The pizza’s were like- ‘Cause before that, you'd have those little-one’s like this. And I will never forget, honestly, man-It's like a core memory. The cheese pull-on the first pizza advert. There’s strings-of cheese! Oh, my God. Wild. It's glue, it turns out. PVA glue. And they staple the pizza down.”
ROMESH ON BEING IN A RAP BATTLE
“Hold on a sec. Can I just- I just wanna to pull you up on that. No, well. Can I tell you about that? I'll tell you the story about the-Scala. Well, no, I'm just- Listen, it was a great, it was a great night. I was in a battle, rap battle at the Scala. I got to the final, it was me against this guy that was actually really good at it. And I said my rap name, Ranga. I said, this is going to offend you, I think. Because of the lack of culinary knowledge. And I said, ‘This is Ranga. I'm here rocking the Scala. You can't handle the heat of my chicken tikka masala.’ Right? That, that got me knocked out of the competition. Now, obviously, chicken tikka masala. Nobody's going, ‘Ooh.’ ‘That's a bit punchy, that tikka masala.’ Right. So, I, I, I got humiliated so badly in that competition. Genuinely, my friends asked to leave separately.”
ROMESH ON THE LONDON MARATHON
“But I'm just going to tell you, I'm just going to tell you something that happened. This is a genuinely true story. So, you know, they've got this at the beginning of the London Marathon. They've got like a, a profile competitor's tent. Right. You know, and one of the guys that organises the London Marathon came up to me, on the second one, and he said, ‘Romesh, I just want to say thank you for doing the London Marathon last year. You really helped spread the message of how accessible it is.’ He did. I promise you. ‘It's like you really, like, you know, it's not just for elites.’ I was like, ‘Yeah, cool.’ ‘I'm just about to start, by the way. Thanks for that!’ ‘Thanks for the pep talk, Wanker.’ But, it was fun, it was a cool thing, it was, it was a fun thing to do.”
ROMESH ON HIS 2027 TOUR
“Next year. Yeah. I love going on tour, so it's, it’s not so bad- I don't find it that bad. Obviously, you get a bit nerv- You're always a bit nervous about when you start the tour. But I love going on tour. It's like-The reason I started doing TV is to go on tour-because I wanted people to come and see me. And I think after, you know, after all the TV goes away and whatever, stand-up will be the last thing I'll continue to do. Do you know what I mean? I think I'll always do that. Yeah. That's what I love.”
“But, um, the one thing that I do think is weird about, because it's so far in advance. This is the first show where I've really had, not a concept, but I know, what I'm trying to do with this show. But I haven't written any, even a minute of it- You know, like, I know the concepts and the, you know, what I'm sort of gonna try and, what I'm aiming for. But then when you haven't written something and it's on sale, you feel like a con-Well, you feel like a con-artist, really, you know. And then they'll go to me, ‘Oh, it's sold out. We're putting on another day.’ And I go, ‘What?’ ‘What's sold out? It doesn't exist.’ Do you know what I mean?”
“No, how I tend to do it is, um, you start with like, a 10-minute routine. And then I'll phone a mate who, you know, a friend of mine- I often go to, Brighton, because I live near there. So I go, ‘I've got 10 minutes of new stuff. Can I just come and try it tonight?’ And then you’re unannounced. And then he'll go, ‘We've got a special guest who's just trying out some stuff.’ And then I'll go on with a notebook and just go, ‘Look, I've got some ideas. Can I talk it through with you?’ And then maybe like sometimes all of it works. Sometimes a minute of it works. I would, I remember once I did like a new material hour where it's just like me and a note. It's like, ‘Romesh, try some s*** out,’ is what we called it. And I just, I walked off, ‘Well, that didn't go very well. But who cares?’ Not who cares, you know? Back to the drawing board. And then I was at the shops-and then somebody comes up to me and goes, ‘Do you know what would make that superhero bit work?’ And I thought, ‘Oh God,’ I don't wanna, I don’t wanna get- people giving me feedback on this when I'm out and about, living my life. Do you know what I mean? Doing the school run and somebody goes, ‘I thought of the punchline!’ So I started moving them a bit further afield.”
“Yeah, well, I mean, the, the worst one was, like, I went to, I went to America-to do some shows over there. Just, they're just offended by different things. And also, they don't, they don't have as many, like, brown people, [laughs], right-in public kind of, so they can't sort of, they can't, can't process your background. So anyway, that- On one of my tours, I had a bit that, the gist of it was, I would join ISIS if they had good wi-fi. That, that, that is, that is the, that is the, like, that is the, the premise of the bit. Right, so, so when, when, when, when I was doing it, when I was doing it, when you do it in the U.K., people just go, ‘He's obviously joking.’ You know, like, they get it, it's a joke. Yeah. I was doing Hollywood improv and, like, I was doing a set and it was going really, really, well. And then I started doing this bit and honestly, the a*** dropped out of the room immediately. I think they thought I was, like, announcing, like-Yeah, you could just feel them going, [in American accent] ‘Oh, my God. Oh, my God.’ [in American accent] ‘He's one of them. He's one of them. S***!’ It was horrible. So, like, you know, like, you kind of, um, you kind of get a sensibility for different places. But I do, I do, I tend to think, like- I mean, up north is, like, wicked to do stand up.”
“I think I feel like- Glasgow audiences, for example, when they like you. They love you. Like, it's insane. Like, the energy is insane. It's like- So you just, you just, you do feel differences, regional differences.”
ROMESH ON WHO IS THE WEAKEST LINK OF THE WEAKEST LINKS
“Um, I think the worst answer that- Well, two people spring to mind. Um, Tony Blackburn was the first person I ever asked a question to on the Weakest Link. And the question was to Tony Blackburn, ‘What does the B in R&B stand for? And he said, ‘Soul.’ Yeah, no, ‘cause, I think, but I don’t think it was so- It was so bad-that I think it was the, like, you know you were talking about the nerves. It’s got to be Helen Flanagan. And the question was, ‘Are the white cliffs of Dover made of chalk or cheese?’ She said cheese! No, no, it was like, ‘cause we-And she’s been back on again since, ‘cause we did, um-We did a redemption special where, like, everybody that did answers like that came back on.”
Picture: Harriet Langford
