6. What do your parents/children (delete as applicable) think of your job?

 

I got a book deal writing about my life with Mother. It's a lot of fucking work. That's my latest best excuse for not writing anything here.

 

 

7. What’s the worst thing about being a comedian?

 

I haven’t had this much fun in years; just driving around in a van with comics, my girlfriend and my buddy tour managing. It’s old school stuff. Hung over and pile in a van in the morning. It’s like a dildo on a power-drill. It depends on how you use it.

 

 

8. I think you are very good at what you do (that’s why I’m asking these questions). What do you think of you?

 

I haven't learnt anything in the past 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more. I'd rather be oblivious again. Oblivion was nice.

 

 

9. How much do you earn and how much would you like to earn?

 

I have hooker money... and my life is still a shambles..

 

10. How important is luck in terms of career success – have you had lucky breaks?

 

I’m a big gambling fan. I love the NFL. I’m a huge football fan, but I don’t know s--- about it. I’ve been watching it since I was a kid, and I still don’t know what a 3-4 defense means versus a West Coast offense.

I like to put money on every game, and put Red Zone on and let my head just go completely retarded just trying to keep up with my parlays, who’s ahead and who needs to score what to cover what to make what ticket win. And it’s a reason to have people over and barbecue.

It’s like if you had a painting, and you say ‘This is a really nice painting. I painted it. Here it is.’ And then every single person associated with the painting had to sign it—the person who made the canvas, the delivery service who shipped the canvas, everyone who was involved with making the paint. Get far enough along and you can’t even see the painting anymore. Everyone’s fucked with it

 

11. Alan Davies has said that comedians fall into two categories - golfers and self-harmers. The former just get on with life, the latter are tortured artists. Which are you – or do you think you fit into a third category?

 

A guy's driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he's doing is he's taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the guy pulls over and walks up to the farmer and he says, "Wouldn't it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?" And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says, "What's time to a pig?"

 

 

12. Who is your favourite person ever and why - not including family or friends or other comedians?

 

When Mark Babbitt used to run the Laff Stop in Houston, that was an artists’ room. He was on your side. He knew what you were doing, and fuck the crowd if they don’t get it. He was willing to take a bad beat, which is probably why he’s not in comedy anymore on the business side.

 

 

13. Do you keep your drawers tidy and if not why not?

 

If I could use an analogy: I can’t ski, and I’m sure it would be fun on some level to slide down a hill on skis, but take all the other parts of it, you have to learn how to ski when you’re already uncoordinated and naturally inept at anything athletic and be out in the cold and fall down a lot and look like an asshole and freeze your balls off and pay a lot of money and pay your dues just to be able to go down on skis. It would not be worth the trade. I ‘m sure there would be benefits to it, but I’m not sure they’re worth the effort.