6. What do your parents/children (delete as applicable) think of your job?

Cristiano Ronaldo Jr, my youngest, hasn't ever seen me perform, can't really take him to a licensed venue. It's much different from his dad's job - you can take a child into any football ground in the world, expect perhaps The New Den, but with him playing in Spain we don't have to worry about trips to Millwall. Cristiano Snr, he's only really been with me for my looks, his English is good, but he hasn't quite caught my Glasgow vernacular, certainly when I'm talking 100mph on stage. He really only understands me when I'm whispering slowly, quietly and with a slight grumble in his ear at bedtime.

7. What’s the worst thing about being a comedian?

The assumption that if you haven't been on telly then you aren't any good at all. I've banged and banged my head off a brick wall so many times watching audiences dismiss outrageously good acts because they don't know who they are. Yet every single year people sit at home for weeks on end watching Britain's Got Talent and X Factor filled with people they've never heard of be outrageously bad at what they do but give them oodles of attention. I also hate the fact folk can simply do one open spot and claim to be a comedian.

8. I think you are very good at what you do (that’s why I’m asking these questions). What do you think of you?

I used to think what I thought of what I do didn't matter. The only opinion that counted was the audience's. I was a bit old school in the sense that the entertainment and showbusiness bit of it came first and foremost. I still believe that's the priority but my own thoughts on what I do now are a bit higher up the list. I still can't abide acts who have no thought for their audience and are there purely to entertain themselves.

My own priorities shift on this - if you see me at the weekend in a club, then I'm there to serve you, you get a flavour of me. If you come to see me in my show through the Fringe, that's more self-indulgent and you're getting three courses of me and you will sit and enjoy each course.

9. How much do you earn and how much would you like to earn?

Love and affection is so hard to quantify. What's even harder to quantify and explain is the value of exposure -but I don't like to be greedy all those charities, events and marketing companies offering me valuable free exposure, sometimes a man can have too much, so I tend to turn them down for good old fashioned money.

Whatever I've earned this year, it's less than ever before. How much has the pound tanked by since Brexit? 

10. How important is luck in terms of career success – have you had lucky breaks?

After having entirely died on one's rear end many moons ago in Hartlepool - the wank sock of Britain, tossed aside and left to go stale - I managed to catch a taxi which broke many laws and got me back to Newcastle train station in time to catch the last train back to Glasgow with thirty seconds to spare. Yeah - that's about the extent of my luck.

11. Alan Davies has said that comedians fall into two categories - golfers and self-harmers. The former just get on with life, the latter are tortured artists. Which are you – or do you think you fit into a third category?

I'm most definitely a self-harmer. Besides I hate golf, it stands for everything I'm not. I once lost a regular sub-editing shift on the sports desk at a Scottish paper for not getting golf. I thought the bigger the number the better. Oh no. The only reason you will see me with a golf club in my hand is if I'm  taking the head of a golfer off with it.

12. Who is your favourite person ever and why – not including family or friends or other comedians?

You have left me no one else to choose from. As a comedian we lose touch with all real people, other comedians become your family and friends. Yes it's that depressing. Oh, Kate Bush. She gets it. She gets everything. She needs to installed as Britain's High Priestess Governess. Then we might actually show some deeper understanding of each other.

13. Do you keep your drawers tidy and if not why not? (this is to settle an argument with my girlfriend. If you've taken my side thank you in advance)

Drawers exist only to hide things. If something is in a drawer, you wish never to find it again, ever. Things of use should be out on display on sideboards, on the floor, nailed to walls or hanging from the ceiling. However I have found the line used in all arguments "I always put the scissors back in the drawer when I'm done" isn't strictly true, having lived alone for the past year. Sorry to anyone I've ever lived with. Perhaps I don't.