Comedy's bleak philosopher is back asking the questions nobody else will. When did I last go outside? Am I already dead? How are you meant to maintain a happy marriage in the face of the unstoppable decay of everything that exists? Stand-up comedy for people who are too tired to get angry. But please read his answers to our questions here. We are confident they will bring a smile to your face. As will his show.
Michael J Dolan's Miserable Guts is at The Stand from Aug 6 - 30. Tickets here.
Picture by Drew Forsyth
1. What is the last thing you do before you go onstage (apart from check your flies, check for spinach between teeth and check your knickers aren't sticking out of your skirt)?
I've had a thing since very early on where I try to break superstitions as soon as I notice them develop, so for a while I'd empty my pockets before I went on so I didn't have loose change or my phone weighing me down and then as soon as I realised that it was becoming a habit I stopped. I have to force myself to be rational because if I indulged that side of myself I don't know where it would end. I'd only ever perform at twilight in bare feet or some shit or other. I worry that I'm too susceptible to my own bullshit so I try and nip that sort of thing in the bud when I spot it. If I'm going to be on stage for more than 20 minutes I will try and have a wee, that's probably more practicality than superstition though I think?
2. What irritates you?
This is going to sound like a bad joke but the sounds of people laughing and enjoying themselves. I especially hate this time of year when you have to sit with the windows open and you can hear some prick having a great time somewhere else, but not just that, that they want every fucker else to know that they're having it. Ahahahaha nothing's that funny, shut your face, I'm trying to forget things in here.
3. What is the most dangerous thing you have ever done?
I don't really lead that kind of lifestyle I don't think. Driving is probably the most dangerous thing I do and everybody does that. I have fallen asleep at the wheel a couple of times, that's pretty stupid, like a weird combination of adrenaline and anti-depressants just sends me off to sleep sometimes. I used to drive high, that's really fucking stupid, a long time ago now, but I used to do that all the time. Like I would never drink and drive because you get that drilled into you for years, how dangerous that is, but for some reason I was happy to get fucked up on other things and then pile into my car because there was never an advert. So stupid. I mean I don't know exactly how being paranoid that your rear windscreen wiper is making your car look high could cause an accident but I'm sure it could.
4. What is the most stupid thing you have ever done?
Buying physical media. I got rid of all the VHS tapes and replaced them with DVDs and now I'm doing the same fucking thing with Blu-Rays even though it's all on demand now isn't it? It's like I can't learn. On a related note I've got CDs for sale this year, like it's the 90s or something. Somebody convinced me that they're good things to sell after gigs so now I've got a box of shit nobody needs and I have to do the humiliating sales pitch at the end of shows. Still at least that's not as bad as plugging your twitter account at the end of your set. Awful thing to do, and pointless too, social media isn't making anybody famous any more, that ship has sailed. Rob Delaney bought all the tickets for that boat, there's no seats left.
5. What has surprised you the most during your career in comedy?
Just how drunk everybody in Britain is all of the time. You need to stay sober really to do this and it's a real eye opener being the only sober person going about their business of an evening. I don't know how to put this without sounding like I'm overstating it but absolutely everybody everywhere is completely leathered one hundred percent of the time. Something's really wrong with how drunk everybody gets and how often but nobody can see it because they're all drunk.
Interview continues here.
