Maverick promoter Bob Slayer has taken over the basement space of 27c Throgmorton Street in the City of London again for another Grotto Festival from December 1 to 21. Listings here. Highlights include Richard Herring, Stewart Lee, Josie Long and some bozo called Nick Helm, who will be closing proceedings on December 21 with his 'Christmas Fuck-Fest'. Have a read of the delightful free content Helm has provided below. You should also read the wonderful blurb he has written on the ticket page for his gig, which includes a list of people he doesn’t want at his show – office parties, hecklers, fascists and Baz. While you are there why not buy a ticket. We wouldn’t want Nick to be unhappy would we?

What is the last thing you do before you go onstage (apart from check your flies, check for spinach between teeth and check your knickers aren't sticking out of your skirt)?

Just before I go onstage I get an uneasy sense of weightlessness. Everything seems to move in slow motion and I feel like I am disconnected to the rest of the world. Like I am in one of those old-fashioned brass diving suits at the bottom of the ocean. Alone with only the sound of my breathing and the blood pumping through my ears for company. I have an overbearing sense of helplessness. The feeling of inevitability. That this is going to go badly. That no matter what, in 20 minutes time I will have less friends than when I started. Just as my name gets announced I have a little stretch of my legs to reconnect with the ground, and then turn to whoever is in the Green Room with me and apologise in advance for what is about to happen. I then go onstage and split the room precisely 70/30 in whoevers favour that day.

What irritates you?

I suppose the thing that irritates me the most is people that think they know or understand your job better than you. Comedy is one of those things where everyone has an opinion on it and everyone’s opinion is right. Except that it isn’t and they’re not. A lot of people talk without thinking and a lot of those people should shut the fuck up. Especially when their main complaint appears to be that my stand up isn’t Uncle. I can’t even imagine what they are expecting that to be. Me talking about my non-existent nephew? Me talking about being stoned and trying to fuck a teacher? Or maybe I’ll wheel out the kid and sit on a bench and talk to him about puberty for an hour. I mean I don’t even write Uncle. It says at the beginning of every episode on the actual TV screen of the programme that they are watching in big purple or yellow writing “written by Oliver Refson and Lilah Vandenburgh” and still I end up having the same conversation, sometimes with actual people that I know and work with, about how I’d love to write them into the show, but I don’t actually write Uncle. So maybe that’s what irritates me the most. That and war.

What is the most dangerous thing you have ever done?

The most dangerous thing I have ever done? Probably put my heart on the line for a girl that didn’t deserve it.

What is the most stupid thing you have ever done?

Do the same thing again with the same girl because I thought she’d changed.

What has surprised you the most during your career in comedy?

That I have got as far as I have. I’ve sort of taken things as they’ve come and tried to make the most of the opportunities that came my way. If you had told me when I was growing up that I would have done the things that I have done I wouldn’t have dared to believe you. I love being a stand up and I love the opportunities it has given me beyond telling jokes. That’s the sweet, modest and honest answer. When I first started out I was regularly surprised with how nice most people were. I think comedians have a reputation for being bitchy and egotistical and going into this career I was expecting it to be a nest of vipers and although there is a small percentage of people that you meet that are difficult (but from my experience there were people like that in every pub and office I ever worked in), the majority of comedians I’ve worked with are incredibly supportive, friendly and loyal and since starting comedy I have never felt more like a part of something bigger and part of a team. It also surprises me how often audience members take what I do at face value and come up to me in the bar after to call me a cunt.

Interview continues here.