And so the virtual polling booths are closed and the results can finally be revealed. Last week I wrote a piece about the things that irritate me at comedy gigs and I was deluged with responses from others telling me their gig gripes too. I said I'd expand on the report but when I analysed the responses I realised there was a little bit of crossed wires going on. I originally wrote about things that other audience members do that irritate me as a fellow audience member. While I got some very illuminating contributions answering that question I also received another two sets of answers – stand-ups contacted me to tell me about things that audience members do that irritate them when they are onstage and audience members contacted me to tell me about things that stand-ups do onstage that irritates them. 

Anyway, here are the highlights narrowed down to those three categories.

Acts v Fan

For performers the number one groan was the phone. Fans on the phone, checking and sending texts or taking photos and filming sets. I didn't realise but there is even a handy phrase for the phenomenon of fans trying to hide their texting by holding the phone low down but not realising that the light from the screen is illuminating their mug for everyone facing them,  the comedian, to see – "mobile phone blue face" – thank you @JosieLong.

@janeygodley had more of a problem with bar staff chatting at the back of the room. In fact a lot of problems could be solved by venues closing the bar for the duration of the gig and letting the bar staff have a break if they don't want to watch the show. Even when the bar is not in the actual room, as in a theatre, bars can be a problem. For promoter @tomsearle it is people wandering out during a one hour show to get a drink that winds him up and spoils things. I suggested that people going to the toilet is equally bad – and that maybe the two are connected. Less drinking = less chance of toilet visits. 

@tomsearle added that When Daniel Kitson did the NT he had a no re-admission policy  – "after 5 mins, 1 very old man gets up to go to the loo. heartbreaking." Kitson is easily the most rigorous performer. I remember him stopping one gig at the Traverse mid-monologue because of mobile phone blue face and another time getting so fed up with an amorous couple he said something to the effect of "why don't you just go outside now and fuck."

Mentalist Doug Segal (@doug_segal) agreed with me about The Agreers in my original piece – when he does a spectacular trick he finds the audience is so busy discussing it they miss the next trick. 

Fans and Acts were, however, united in their dislike of stag and hen dos…  and also concurred that food and comedy don't mix – whether it's cutlery clanking on plates or the whiff of kebabs wafting onto the stage…. (not good if you are vegetarian)

Fan v Fan 

@mzlondon pointed the finger at "the 'super fan' who's seen the show before and either: a) laughs too early or b) laughs too ostentatiously to prove they "get it". The trouble with this one is that I think I might sometimes be a) and sometimes be b). 

The Big Hat wearer. See also Big Hair - luckily not many goths go to comedy gigs these days, but there a time when goth club The Batcave and The Comedy Store were in the same venue and the overlap and potential for serious view-blocking could be catastrophic.

"Tourists" who lay their jackets on a bench to reserve the best seats.  (@biscuitweevil). See also "yourinmyseat" syndrome. 

Fan v Acts 

"Other comedians at the back making a point of laughing at something the audience hasn't laughed at" said @martylog (who is musician/performer Martin White, but I don't think fans like this much either). Although I personally get more vexed by comedians at the back not laughing because unlike mere mortals they could smugly see the punchline coming.

Then there are the things that comedians say onstage. Stuart Goldsmith does a very good hack-watch thing on his site here so I won't get into that, except to say that people don't like in-jokes or comedians referring to things that have happened at other gigs the fans have not been at.

So there you go. Blimey, it's a wonder performers perform and fans go to gigs given the number of things that can get in the way and wind people up. But it also goes to show that stand-up comedy is worth all the hassle. Oh, there was another contribution sent in via Facebook that caught my eye:

"How about the companion who insists on sitting in the worst seat hidden away at not only the side but also the back and then spends the entire gig scribbling in a miniscule notebook?" I think they mean me.